I can't stop loving - me

I have spent some time researching and investigating Biblical hope. I desire to share that someday with others, but for now, I was considering where does hope start? In all of the journeys, adventures and studies in life, we start somewhere. Where is the starting place of hope? Can you get there from anywhere? Is the order of the journey critical to arriving at the desired destination? Can you do step 12 and then come back and do step 2?

I live in a world of extreme individualism. I wonder if my understanding of all things comes from an individualistic worldview? Do I see “team” as a collection of individuals? Is unity and community a collection of independent identities? Is the Bible for me help, to build my faith? Did God come to save me? I have spent hours contemplating how I matter, what is my calling, how I live a fulfilled life. All this may have resulted in a life or deep thought or one of deep deception. But how does this relate to hope and starting? Don’t I need to know who the “I” is so that I can say, “I love you lord?” I think I lost my way.

So I’ll try a scripture.

And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it.   Mar 8:34-35 ESV

How far can you go in following the Lord Jesus Christ and not deny self? My guess is not far. Following Jesus involves the denial of self. The Bible does not instruct us here to seek fulfillment, the making of good choices, motivation to accomplish our destiny or passion to live out our calling. Deny self. In a world where one can become a “christian” by repeating a prayer, where does this total abandonment come in? In the “old time religion” people had to repent of their sins and often make restitution to all they had wronged. Can you have people respond to God based on being a blessing to others, not being blessed themselves? Is the modern practice of the gospel truer than the older, religious, demanding gospel? Can’t “God loves me” renounce the claims for virtue, holiness, purity and repentance of sin?

I wish I had a key to turn off all the ways I am selfish. My motives are filled with self-interest and self-love. I find that I have little hope, if it is not “hope” based on my life. I am not filled with hope when another gets a job, or a promotion, or a blessing. I look at what God has done and ask in my heart, “what are You going to do for me?” What matters is what matters to me. God is good to the degree that He is good to me.

There was a time in my life when I had a number of dreams and visions on what was to come. Since I had these experiences I thought that I would be a major player in what was happening. I was excited and motivated to do my part, when I thought my part was very important. Over time God helped me to understand that I was seeing things involving His family, other people and a verity of ministries. I was saddened. What about me? Why would God show me all that great stuff if I wasn’t going to be personally esteemed? Didn’t God understand how important using me was to me? Yes, God understood. And that’s why He does what He does. God has long been working on me to start right.

I have long battled with being a follower of Jesus. On the outside I look like I am all sold out. On the inside I am filled with self. And since I am filled with self I am not following, not gaining new life, not progressing. Sure, right now I may not be giving the best self-evaluation. But I want to reveal how easy it is not to follow Jesus on His pathway. It is very easy to follow Jesus on our own pathway.  We follow Jesus on the pathway of our own choosing, our own passion, our own vision and calling. From time to time I have come to God and entered into death to self. Most times I have come to God for self-improvement, refinement, anointing, power and numerous other longing of my self-seeking heart. The deep faith of trusting God to make me into a man of His choosing is hard.  My investigation of hope has lead me back to step 1, back to the place of self-denial.

My goal in writing this is to remind myself and help others avoid the false maturity of fixing the problem. I want to go beyond “throwing a truth” at my condition. I need to be made into a being other than self-acquired. By grace, I need to die and wait for God to resurrect. While using this language, I am in need of transcending the words and entering into the reality. When I do that, if I do that, my life and my hope is in Him. I take a step on the pathway of following Jesus that is labeled, “no thought of self.” That place on the pathway exists, not by devotion, not by passion. Detached from self exists through death to self and having self-love replaced with the indwelling Holy Spirit. The natural man becomes devalued to the point of death and a totally new kind of man/being is being created in that place.

So now here’s a funny bit. Once remade you care for yourself, love yourself and have passion and fervor. Your love for yourself is not grounded in self-love. Your passion is not selfish. No, this does not all happen at once, maturity is progressing, developing. But from the very start it comes from a different place than self. Can you turn back; go back to the old way? Yes, turning and going another way is a gift of freedom God gives to all. Why not use your freedom to choose “not to slip back?” The funny part is that those who lose their life for His sake save it. Let me repeat myself. This action is more than considering the “idea” of this. It is actually doing it.

I’ve been thinking about becoming one of the world’s greatest divers. To do this my plan is to start diving in a swimming pool. If I log a thousand hours of diving in the pool, I should be prepared to tell others about diving. All the stuff that you would do out in the ocean you can do in the pool right? I can teach, give lessons, disciple people in diving. I don’t need to actually go beyond the pool to be an authority. With a little imagination, some PowerPoints a few YouTube videos and the articles in my new book, I should have all that I need to share. So why would we need to listen to those who have devoted their life to denying self and following God? Can’t we discover all we need in the pool we are in?